Alone

When nothingness is all there is, complaints are the only answer.

Everyday I wake up and then I realize, that’s another day to live my life. Surely, out there people would only pray so hard and dream of living the life of me. But I want to move on. This boring, unsatisfying, unfulfilling life. Yet, it is not life, it is me.

You see, in God’s image humans are created, with the capacity of creation. We create our lives. I am creating my dissatisfaction, boredom, unfulfilled-ness. I also, alone, hold the key to the door of my choice. You see, alone, again, it is my choice, up to me, to be, who I want to be.

But even God took time and tiny effort to create the heavens and earth. It did not happen instantly. Similarly, to create a new life, it will require time and effort on my part. Giving up is refused. And it is that exact part, accepting that time-effort investment, where the struggle begins. Much like being at the shore, and needing to swim to get to that place you want to reach. It is a different activity than what is current, in the example given it would be the difference of being on land and swimming; the state of dryness and the state of being wet.

It is a different kind of struggle because also keeping this current sort of life is a struggle on its own, though a familiar unfrightening prospect. The decision has been made, to depart these lands. Though, the journey is yet to commence.

Prayer fails me, my heart is not in that state of humility and submission to pray. It is weary of the immeasurable laid expectations on its weak body. It wants to rage and rebel on the current state, and it has. Though, like a wild animal kept in a cage, it has been living bitterly since its ailments and calling fell on my deaf ears.

There are no further questions and no further answers, only action. Simply, as said before, to be or not to be. Only the future will tell, what the outcome of this chapter is.